Tammy Talk - A Healing Blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery

Our Latest Blog Entry

July 19th, 2018

One of the things that I have been questioning during the most recent leg of my journey is how am I healing when I keep coming back to the same emotionally charged situation in my mind, to pick at it.  


I have been entertaining this erroneous thought that if I was still bothered by something that has happened in my past that I was somehow not healing or letting it go and that I wasn't moving forward.  It wasn't a thought I had carried around for years....it is something that has come up since my last depressive episode. 


I was talking with my analyst about this today and he pointed something out to me.  Sometimes we revisit the same situation over and over to see things we had not previously seen.  This has definitely been the case for me.  


This erroneous way of thinking has also held an important part in why I buried the painful things from my past: If I dwelt on them too long I would be a hurting mess , vulnerable and a victim.  (erroneous thinking). Somehow I wasn't getting that re-examing past situations to truly see what happened in that situation and what part you played to bring the situation to the painful conclusion it ended with is valuable.  How are we supposed to change anything if we don't clearly see our behaviour, look at where that behaviour is coming from, and acknowledge and let go of said behaviours. 


I am not talking about blaming myself for being sexually abused and looking at what I could change about what I did to make that happen.  What I am talking about is looking at what behaviours I incorporated at a tender young age to survive being sexually abused and what feelings did I bury about being sexually abused. What coping mechanisms did I put into place for any other situations that reminded me of how I felt about being sexually abused....


Does this make sense? It makes sense to me but I am just starting to unpack all that deeply buried emotions and such...and I am now molre forgiving of myself about replaying certain situations in my head to understand them better and with clearer eyes.



Tammy Talk - a healing blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 16th, 2018

One of the things that I think I have had a great deal of trouble with over the years is allowing myself to feel my feelings.  I am not talking about feeling happy or feeling sad...I am talking about the more intricate things that come up like feeling abandoned, feeling misunderstood, feeling confused, feeling betrayed and other more complex feelings.  The other struggle that went side by side with this problem is how to express those feelings in a healthy manner.


Sometime in my childhood I was taught that it wasn't good to feel my feelings and on top of that, sometime during my life it was drilled into my head to always take responsibility for my own actions.  


As a survivor of abuse (not a victim of abuse) the thing about taking responsibility for my own actions turned into feeling responsible for everything that went wrong around me - at work especially -  because I had to make sure that everything remained status quo and no one was upset or feeling any feelings....see the first sentence of the last paragraph.  


Up until a couple of weeks ago during a therapy session I was still denying myself from feeling some feelings and felt guilty for feeling those same feelings. It was like a light bulb finally went off and I realized this was part of one of the patterns I had learned in order to survive in life at a young age, but, was unable to let go of  as I got older.  No one had taught me how to do that.  


When I look back into childhood, I can link this behaviour to two things really: the first is that I was taught that I was not supposed to behave in a manner that was disruptive at home and the second was that I felt responsible for having been sexually abused because you know somehow in my mind I made that happen and was ashamed of what had happened.


I have a right to my feelings. I am able to observe those feelings and analyze what triggered those feelings.  I am allowed to feel betrayed, I am allowed to feel betrayed and feel angry because of how I was treated in my past.  It is okay for me to feel those feelings and then release them.  51 years into my life and I am just getting this.  Thank god I am finally understanding this and finally releasing a lot of old and not so old feelings about events that have taken place in my life. Along with this newer behaviour you can bet that I no longer take responsibility for everything that happens around me.  I just am not that powerful (or narcisistic!).


I also have a right to find a healthy way to express those feelings to the person or people that are involved with the situation that created the feeling in the first place.   Again, 51 years.....


For anyone reading this blog who is travelling down their own healing path, if you happen to recognize this pattern within yourself I hope you find the strength and insight to overcome any pattern that stands in your way of feeling your feelings. It is a very freeing process.


Unti next time....

Tammy Talk - a healing blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 13th,, 2018

A couple of blog posts ago I had dove into talking about the person I used to be in my significant romantic relationships.  I want to now talk about work relationships - the relationships we create between our coworkers and the people we directly support.


I have had both good and bad relationships with people in my previous work environments.  I have been confident at times but I also have been insecure and needy at other times.  The times that I have been insecure, needy and constantly seeking reassurances are the times that my patterns of coping  that I developed in childhood kicked in.  


My last job in a corporation ended with me having a "PTSD - like reaction" after I had taken two weeks off due to depression. I had gone out to enjoy some music a couple of times during my time off.  Now, I was always led to believe that when depressed it was important to do those things that you enjoy.  And I did.  I posted pictures on my facebook without even thinking about  what kind of an impact that would have on me.  When I returned I was told that someone had noticed my pictures on facebook and that they had made "them" aware of it and that "they" didn't believe that I was sick. during my time off.  I was accused of payroll fraud.  I was made to sign an attendance agreement.  I was yelled at.  It was one of the most horrible experiences I have had in my life.  I hadn't reported to them that I struggled with previous bouts of depression during my employment with them "they" said.  All I could think of was that my personal health was discussed with occupational health who had to keep my health information confidential so of course they would not know about my previous bouts of depresion. I had to put every inch of my concentration into just holding myself together during that meeting. 

 

As soon as that happened, I stood up and I told "them" that I was going to the occupational health department and not back to my office.  I proceeded to do this.  I had a panic attack when I walked into that office.  When the nurse finally got me settled down and I told her my circumstances we called my family doctor which was thankfully a couple of minutes away, and I went to my doctor. He told me to take time off.  He adjusted the medication I was already on to a higher dose and eventually added a secondary medication to help. 


There was a lot more behind how I reacted in that moment of challenge: there had been a huge build up of insecurities due to a changing work situation and my perception of that that played a big part in that final reaction.  This whole situation as described above was the starting point of a significant healing journey that I talked about in my first blog piece. I had to see why I reacted the way I had in the work place over the last six months - what triggered my own feelings and reactions within the workplace.  What kinds of relationships did I have in the workplace.  Why did I feel so betrayed by those people I thought were my supporters and my biggest question to this day is...why didnt' anyone sit me down and talk to me about what was going on or what they perceived was going on with me.  No one asked me or pointed anything out to me.  That fact alone took a very long time to process and pick apart to the point where it really no longer mattered why they didn't do what they should have: what mattered was the fact that I didn't know how to stand up for myself or how to function in a chaotic changing environment.  


Having given you all of this information was only to make the point that when you have had traumatic experiences in your past that involved people you thought you could trust and you have not dealt with your feelings about this event or the impact the event had on your life you are bound to repeat behaviours that were once meant to protect yourself against being hurt again.  These coping mechanisms come up in every relationship you have including your coworkers and your friends.  Not dealing with your traumatic events creates unhealthy relationships in ALL areas of your life.   Some people are simply dysfunctional while others turn to substance abuse and some to suicidal ideations or suicide itself.  It is sad.


This event is what it took for me to really start delving into the past and the patterns I created to cope in this world and how they were affecting my life and relationships.  It took that PTSD - like reaction to being wrongly accused of doing something wrong to finally open up my eyes and say to myself - this bullshit has to stop.  I have to change things.  I have to heal from those traumas I had in my past. I cannot allow myself to stay down.


I look forward to sharing a new bog with you soon...


Blessings,


Tammy



Tammy Talk - a healing blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery

Our Latest Blog Entry

July 12, 2018

I just spent a blissful week at a cottage up north of Kingston, Ontario with my husband and his best friend and wife. It was so utterly relaxing. 


I spent the week in a very mindful state, beading, going out on the boat, talking, eating, and just being.  I was completely living for each moment in the moment and it was wonderful,  


I did check my studio email and answered a question or two as well as sharing photo's on facebook, but other than that, I was offline and unplugged as well as zero television.  The weather was beautiful so we spent the majority of the time outside in the fresh air.  


It was a wonderful week! I feel recharged and ready to get back to life's daily business  involving my studio, my clients and my part time gig.


I highly recommend taking time outs like this as needed and if you can! My goal is to ensure I get this time out as needed by organizing my life and business in such a way that makes this possible.


I will continue writing about relationships in my next entry as stated in my last blog. I wanted to take the opportunity to share how important it is to make time in your life to relax and take care of yourself...


Blessings,


Tammy


Tammy Talk - a healing blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 5, 2018

Hi everyone,


Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about my past relationships and the person I was in each of those relationships.


When I look back at the relationships that I have had in my life, I can generally see different patterns for each stage of my life - starting with the relationships I had in highschool.  


The one common theme in most of my intimate relationships was that I chose partners who were replica's of the men/women in my life who hurt me in my childhood on one level or another not realizing that this is what I was doing.    I had intimacy issues with both men and women and would end any relationship that was too confrontational.  I was not good with dealing with anger, confrontation, intimacy, nor did I have the skills to know how to work out the common problems that come up in any relationship in a healthy manner.  My trust issues would make me question everything my partner would do. It was horrible.  I would try not to behave this way once I realized what I had done, but I found myself repeating this behaviour for years and years.....the only man that I have not done this with is my current husband.  He knows my past, he knows my worst qualities and my best qualities, he supported me through my depression without question or making me feel like I was a burden in any way or without telling me I was crazy.  I am lucky to have him and I am such a different person with him than I have ever been with anyone else.....FINALLY! 


Once in awhile I here myself thinking negative thoughts or doubting a situation with my husband but I am quite able to recognize that this is just thought patterns from my past and I let them go.  Once in awhile I revert back to the old me, but thankfully, that really is just once in awhile.


We tend to choose our partners based on the experiences we have had in our past to heal some part of ourselves. If we have not healed ourselves from how we interpreted the experiences we had, we are doomed to react from the fear, hurt and pain that we have been carrying around.  Clearly this is not healthy.


I want to expand on relationships more, but will save that for future blogs.


Blessings,


Tammy












Tammy Talk - a healing blog...

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 3, 2018

I have been in therapy - analysis actually - for almost 2 and 1/2 years. I knew I was having issues coping and just living life and I was ready to really look at those things that were standing in my way of progress. At this point in my life I was really self - aware and knew I was stuck repeating some self - destructive patterns that I thought I had overcome but kept coming back to challenge me.


It has been a really intense and eye opening couple of years where I have had to dig in to my past - to some memories I really didn't want to look at but knew I had to - to see why I was choosing certain patterns of behaviour to cope, why I had such a hard time creating and keeping boundaries, and why I continued to put my own needs last.


Anyone who has experienced abuse on any level will recognize the fight to love oneself and to succeed and to even know who we really are because we have developed so many unhealthy coping mechanisms and our true self is akin to the eye of the storm in an F5 tornado. We lose ourselves to please other people to feel loved and appreciated because we don't know how else to cope with life.  We are the caregivers, the people pleasers, the kind of people big corporations love because we don't know how to say no or to tell anyone that we are struggling under the massive amounts of demands that have been put on us because we are good at meeting other peoples work needs.  


This was me.  I was really good at reading and recognizing what other's needed; but, my low self esteem also caused me to think that anything that went wrong had to be because of something I did.  Sound familiar to anyone?


Therapy has allowed me to really see this about myself - and I HATED thinking about myself in this way....vulnerable, needy, crying for attention...it was hard to look at what I had allowed myself to become.  But I did.  I looked and I saw a person I no longer recognized but was the shell of myself that I had become because I didn't know how to be anything else.  


I consider myself lucky to have at least known that I really needed some help to change my patterns and to learn healthier patterns and work on those - which I  have done and am still doing.


It is possible to get past all of the walls one has built around herself over the years to just simply survive.  It is possible to let go of the things that we once let control us.  It is possible to learn how to take care and love ourselves and I hope that in my future blogs I can show you the things that worked for me and pass along any of the tools to you that you feel will work.  But I warn you, it is not an easy road to travel; however, it is well worth it.


Until next time....


Blessings, 


Tammy


Tammy Talk

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self - discovery

Some thoughts about this journey I am on...

July 2nd, 2018

Mna kizhep (good morning) everyone,


I had a blog on here but I wasn't happy with the direction that it was going. I deleted it and decided that I would start over. In my blog thoughts I hope to share my self - discoveries, my healing journey, and the special moments I have experience on this path.  Perhaps what I go through will help another or encourage someone else to find and follow their own path. 


Let me start by telling you a little bit about my journey thus far.


I have spent the last 33 years of my life, peeling back, examing and letting go of the layers of the walls that I spent most of my childhood and teenage years building up around me in order to sheild myself from the world and from anything or anyone who could hurt me.  Why, you may ask, did I feel the need to build these walls around myself and to develop a general mistrust of pretty much any human being? I grew up with some intergenerational trauma that affected and molded my parents, and that inadvertently made it's way into my life through them.  That is why they call it intergenerational trauma. I was sexually abused by a friend of the family when I was about 8 or 9, and again when I was 14 years old by a so called friend of a friend. These events helped mold me into the insecure person I once was and am finally learning how to let go of 33 years later.


On this 33 year journey I have experienced 3 life-changing bouts of depression. After the 1st and 2nd depression I let go of some surface hurts and wounds but it was the 3rd depression that really shook me to the core of my being. The event that triggered that depression was triggered by feelings of abandonment at my job - a job I had once loved and excelled at...which played right into the abandonment issues I had developed from childhood.  It was this situation that finally allowed me to really unpack all the baggage I had carried with me from childhood.  


I am still on that journey. But I can honestly tell you that I am not the person I was when I left that job a broken woman.  I have shed the hurts, and identified the beginning of the coping mechanisms I developed to get me through life that just weren't healthy to use anymore and got me stuck and depressed more than once.  


I have become my own best friend. I have learned to trust myself and my intuition again.  I have allowed myself to get to know who I am on all levels of my being.  I experience joy and love like I have never experienced it before. I have become a warrior and a healer with a desire to help those who connect with me for in their own healing journeys.  I don't feel that I am above anyone else at all.  How I hope to help others is through my reiki and aromatherapy, and by sharing those common experiences and ways that helped me in a way that will help others.


At this current moment I am debating on hitting the "Publish" button as I have written about the ghosts of my soul for the first time for all to see and not just my few close friends to be aware of.  This is scary and a big risk for me.; but, I hope my words and story will encourage any one of you who has gone through anything similar in any way to find whatever works for you to get you to heal those wounds that control you. 


If you are reading this blog right now, I was able to get past my fears of judgement and publish today's article.


I look forward to sharing more stories about how I became who I am today and hopefully to interact with anyone that my blog has a meaningful effect on.


Blessings,


Tammy







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