TAMMY TALK: A HEALING BLOG

Random thoughts and musings while travelling the good red road...


December 11th, 2018

Good day all! It is 5pm on a Tuesday evening and I felt the need to write an entry in my blog. 

LIfe has been busy but good. I am adjusting to my new role at the outside gig. My new Reiki studio in my home is almost ready.  I have had some clients over all ready for their treatments.  I have such a good internal feeling about moving my studio into the house.  It is so close to the outside gig and I feel that the good vibes I want to pass on to each client are imbedded here. It is good.


I want to write about something I have been struggling with a bit because of my personality type.  The new job that I have taken on is a job that used to be done by basically one person and now there are 3 of us.  As one can imagine, the original person, who is fantastic, is having a bit of an adjustment with this and it is hard not to react to this - at least for me.  I have turned this situation upside down thinking about it in all different ways.  I put myself in this persons place to try and better understand how I would react if it were me.  That seemed to help me understand a bit.  I am hoping that by stepping back and not letting another's reactions affect me in developing my job routine that I will be allowing this person to realize that we can work together and that there is no threat to her or her wealth of knowledge.  For me, it is about not taking on someone elses emotions and feelings. This is not about me.  This is a challenge for me but I know I can do it. 

TAMMY TALK: A HEALING BLOG

Random thoughts and musings while travelling the good red road...

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November 24, 2018

I love it when readers feel they can contact me to share something about my blog and make comments.  I have had one reader ask about my studio and whether I am still there, which I will address today in this blog.  I have had another reader who has reached out to tell me that she enjoys reading my blog but doesn't like when I use profanity.  I will address that now.  I really appreciate your feedback and that you are reading my blog.  I normally don't use profanity and I hope that does come across to you.  In my last entry I did use the "F" word in respect to discovering that I was judging myself the way some of society judges others who deal with mental health.  It was meant to emphasize how horribly wrong that thinking was and how upset I was to realize that I was doing that to myself.  I hope you will understand that and appreciate that from time to time I may use an expletive to emphasize a point.  This is not something I do regularly.  Thank you for your comment!


To address the situation about my studio to "Jason" who I tried to reply to but unsuccessfully so because the email given comes up as invalid I will this by sharing my most recent events in my life! 


The big news is that my CFA exam finally arrived at my instructor's house and my instructor marked it right away! (She knew I was stressing over it's late arrival). 

I PASSED!!!!  I am so happy and excited to have my accreditation exam out of the way! I just need to go and take my hands on massage exam and I am all set! I can now move on with confidence and drive and really start getting into my aromatherapy and developing the business from that end as well as the Reiki practice! Whew.  


Having said that there have been other changes in my personal life and work life.  I took a different position at my other job that I am really excited about.  This job will give me a greater variety of work and have me utilizing skills that have been laying dormant since my depressive episode.  I am ready to get back to the business of utilizing my skills to their fullest potential - not only in my private practice but in my day job.  My transition has been good.  I will share that I very diligent at ensuring I do not self - sabotage at all during this transtiion. My therapist seems to think I am handling this well.  I agree with him.


Having said that, I am giving up my studio space outside of my home and moving it back into my home.  This time round the space I am utilizing in my home is larger and I will be able to continue to teach Reiki as well as see my Reiki and Aromatherapy clients.  Hubby and I are painting and preparing the space to get it client ready!  This new space will be where everything starts happening in January 2019! I will continue to expand business here, in my own space!  I really am excited about that.


As you can see, a lot has been going on.  Everything is flowing as it should be and I am happier than ever. 


Namaste!

TAMMY TALK: A HEALING BLOG

Random thoughts and musings while travelling the good red road...

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Random thoughts and musings while travelling the good red road...

I have a couple of things to blog about today that I think are significant. 

The First Thing: 

Last week I did not take my medication for two days.  I had run out and was planning on going to the pharmacy on the second day. With the type of medication that I am on just stopping taking them is not a good thing to do. By day 2, I was becoming very emotional.  

I was at my part - time gig and a coworker wrote a note asking some questions and I took it very personally - as if those questions were directed towards me.  I was very upset.  I told my manager that I needed to talk to her about the note.  

I knew that my thinking was skewed and on my lunch I went to my pharmacy and I picked up my prescription and immediately took my doses.  

When I came back to work I went into my managers office and told her that I had missed two doses of my medication and that is why I had reacted the way that I did.  I was very embarassed as my typical demeanor is pleasant, helpful and respectful of others. I apologized.

I actually told the coworker I worked with how I had reacted to her note and told her that I had stopped taking my medication for two days and that was where the reaction was coming from. I told her it had nothing to do with her and that I respected her and cared about her - as I do.

When I stopped to look at the whole situation there were a couple of things tha were evident to me: 

1)  I would not have reacted the way that I did had I not missed taking my medications for 2 days.  My medication is part of what is helping me heal at this time.  I would have been able to reason with myself about what that note triggered for me. I still need to deal with feelings of persecution that stem from my childhood. That's okay. I also would have let it go and took the note for what it was.

2) I am in a place where I need to accept that I still need to use my medication for what it is meant for.  Somewhere in my brain I have stigmatized myself for needing to be on meds! What the FUCK! How could I let that happen to me! I am a huge advocate for removing the stigma that surrounds mental health and here I am judging myself. Sheesh....I have let those thoughts go about myself and it wasn't hard.  I just had to realize that I was harbouring these thoughts. 

This was the first thing that I wanted to blog about today. I know that other people have been through this so I felt compelled to write about my own experience with missing medication. 

 The Second Thing:

I feel like my hard work with therapy is paying off. I step back and I see things with fresh eyes now.  Some things that used to trigger me and certain behaviour as a response to the trigger, are fading away.  I am more able to see things for what they are and not see them through my childhood eyes...creating a skewed sense of reality. I recognize that i am more mindful now.  I can feel that I am in a low mood and still be able to step back from it and observe those feelings and why they are there.  I am not perfect at this by any stretch of the imagination; BUT, I can see how my thinking is transitioning and I am so very happy about that. 


As you can read, last week was a fruitful week on my journey of healing.  I will continue on this road of self - discovery and healing and hopefully my journey will inspire others not to be afraid of starting on the path of their own healing journey.  It is a lot of work but I can tell you that the results are worth it!


Namaste.

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Tammy Talk - A Healing Blog

Random thoughts and musings while travelling the good red road...

October 31, 2018

I have spent the last 6 weeks studying and writing my accreditation exams (2 exams) in aromatherapy.. This is why I have not blogged during that time frame.  I was juggling studying, teaching Reiki and taking clients and my part - time gig. 


I wrote my exam a week and a half ago now and am waiting for my results.  I check my email daily to see if my results are in, but nothing so far.  They will come when they come.


I have not let the waiting get under my skin as I would have in the past.  My logic is this: I felt good about the exam.  If, for some reason, I don't do well than I will just re - write my exam.  


I have been going with the flow of life and looking at opportunities at they come up. I changed positions at my part - time gig.  You see after my depression and a lot of therapy and analysis, and having been off work for over a year and a half, I chose my part - time gig to ease my way back into the work force and use my new found skills.  It wasn't always easy. I had some triggers come up that I needed to get through.  The amazing thing is that I was able to get through them by recognizing what triggered the emotion I was feeling, our insecurity that came up and tracing those feelings back to where they originated from: Back to my childhood. This job has served its purpose and now the new job will serve a new purpose for me. 


I am please to see my Reiki students growing and find it so rewarding to watch people grow during the classes.  I truly enjoy teaching and I am happy that his has started happening naturally! 


I am realizing that while I do need some sort of plan about where I am going in life, I can also go with the flow and the right opportunites will come up.  


Life is changing and I am enjoying the ride!

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January 15, 2018

Today I have been thinking about trusting that everything is going to work out the way it should and that the right opportunities will present themselves to me at the right times.


What brought this line of thought you ask? Two of the people I know who are both independant business owners such as myself and are on a more spiritual path are or have been working at day jobs to help them while they build their business.  My one friend has a husband with MS  so for her, her exit from her job has to be executed and planned just right.


Both of my friends were at a point where it was important to make a change due to the stress and negativity that they were dealing with on a daily basis. One friend has had an amazing opportunity come up to showcase her business in a large venue, for free. My other friend was travelling from her regular job to  see a client from her business and she literally felt a mental switch go off. She was excited to be seeing her new client and all of her stress just drained away.  This mental switch has made her look at what she needs to do to be in a position to leave her day gig and now has a solid plan in place for this to happen.


The similarity with both of my friends is that once they were given a sign that a change was needed in their life to pursue what they are truly here to do the opportunity or plan came in to play for each of them.  They both trusted that something in their lives would happen to show them or guide them or help them on their journey - and they saw it!


Like my friends, I am also very aware of what is going on around me at my part - time gig, with my clients and at home.  I know that I will see what I need to do next on my path in the circumstances that present themselves in my life.  I trust that. I trust my intuition and my instinct.  


This has not always been true for me.  In my old life, I saw what was going on around me, but I did not want to believe what I was seeing and what I was seeing was triggering my reactions that really weren't about the current situation but about past hurts. That lead me to the depressive episode that I had.  I am so happy that I am no longer there. I am also happy that I trust myself and that I will never allow myself to go back to that place!


I trust that I am on the right path for me and that I get clearer on who I am and where I am going every day.

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September 1, 2018

Last night I went to my bestie's birthday celebration.  She and I have been friends since highschool.  There were 10 of us gathered to celebrate her birthday. The food was amazing and the conversation was great!


I reflect on our years of friendship and how each of us have followed similar paths although in different cities. She stayed in our hometown and made a life for herself here and I went off to a bigger city to go to school and ended up having my family there and staying for 32 years only moving back to my hometown and year and a half ago.  


There were times when we would go months and months without speaking but would always end up reaching out to one another.  There were misunderstandings along the way as well.  The misunderstandings were talked about and we moved on.  


Our friendship has survived being separated and living our own lives in different cities.  Each of us have travelled down our own healing journey roads around the same times albeit separately and have come back together to share and encourage one another to keep going and to keep growing.


I cherish and love my bestie. I love that we have managed to overcome any differences we may have had only to make our friendship stronger.  I love that I am friends with her other friends; and, I am happy that we can all come together to celebrate our mutual friend and in doing so form our own unique bonds.  


Friendship.

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August 25, 2018

It doesn't matter how spiritual I am when I am digging up bones....bones from the past. Every triggered reaction is examined, rotated and looked at from every angle until an "aha" moment comes up as to where, when and why the original hurt happened that made me develop an unhealthy coping mechanism to use whenever anything remotely similar to that initial wound happens.  


Digging up bones - releasing old hurts and angers in order to move past them - this is a necessary step in my healing journey.  


One of the healing themes that still gets triggered for me is a sense of being discarded or pushed aside for other more important people .  This, of course, is very skewed thinking.  I am aware that it is skewed thinking, and have gotten to the point where I may react to a situation that triggers this feeling but I know that I am not reacting to this new situation but to a ghost from my childhood.  


I bring this up because one of my best friends said something today that triggered the above feelings.  It took me all of 10 to 15 minutes to state it, and then realize what I was reacting to.  Luckily my dear friend gets it and did not own what I initially said about my feelings.   She also knew that I owned how I felt and that I had a triggered response.  It is now where my hard work starts as I look at what exactly that was said that brought up the feelings and hence the reaction.  What bone from the past was I really reacting from?


Now to settle my mind, I will take some time after this to give myself reiki to clear any blocks in my chakra's that may have come up during this reaction. I will use a nice and calming blend of essential oils that will relax me and that will help me expand my consciousness in order to let go and heal.


This is the healing path for those of us who suffered childhood trauma.  This is my healing path and a path I am happy to be on. This is the path that I have vowed to help other survivors go down when they are ready.....



Tammy Talk - A Healing Blog

Random thoughts and musing while travelling the good red road...


August 18th, 2018

It is mid - August now and I feel that Fall is just around the corner for us. I feel like the summer has just slipped past me because I have been filling some extra hours.  I am not upset about filling the extra hours at all.  It has come at a time when my business is a little slower as people enjoy their friends and family during the warm weather time.  My part - time gig serves an important purpose and allows me to fill my need of caretaking in a healthy and well balanced manner.


What has come up from this very busy time is that I need to protect my time and ensure that I set aside the time I need to dedicate to my business, and teaching others the tools to help themselves heal from past trauma. This time is very important to me.  


With that said I am ensuring my needs are met and not pushed aside for others outside of the time I commit to giving.





Tammy Talk - A Healing Blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


August 9, 2018

As I become more mindful of my reactions to events to discover where that reaction is coming from and if it is pattern induced, I find that I have an even greater need to use the tools that help me remain centered.  


Lately I have been ensuring that I meditate at night so that I can get to sleep.  My mind is not as cluttered as it used to be which helps me a great deal but that does not mean that I don't get stuck sometimes at looking for an answer to why I am the way I am.  Meditation allows me to stop trying so hard to push answers to the surface and to get back to accepting that my insights and answers will come when I am open - minded and relaxed enough to just let them come in as I am ready to deal with them.  Meditation is a magnificant tool.


I also find that giving myself Reiki helps ground me and center me and also had the added benefit of unblocking any energy blocks I have within my body which helps my body, mind and soul to heal.  This probably sounds very airy, fairy to some. It works for me though.  


Everyone is different and finds different "tools" to help them when they are going through rough times on their own path of self - discovery and healing.  I highly encourage everyone to try many different things - meditation, qui going, tai chi, Reiki, aromatherapy, tapping, massage, ceremony within your culture or a combination of tools to get you through the tough stuff.


Being centred doesn't mean you are not going to feel the feelings you have any more, it means you will be better able to process why you are feeling the way you are and explore those feelings more.


My other big healing and centering tool is becoming more involved with my community - my family - my cousins and clan members.  I am in a position to learn my culture in a way that I have never been able to before.  I am learning who I am through my cultural ties to my indigenous roots.  I am looking under the veil of secrecy that surrounded my mom's side of the family and am exploring what it means to be indigenous and applying that knowledge to my life.  I am understanding why I have always been drawn to the land and to indigenous culture and honouring that part of me and respecting the teachings I am fortunate enough to be given.  My culture and community is a great tool to help me become my real self and the Tammy that I thought I had to be because of life circumstances.


I encourage you to find and learn tools that will help you on your healing path. 

Tammy Talk - A Healing Blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


August 5, 2018

Today I am going to write about triggers.  For those of you who do not know what a trigger is, it is an event that happens at work, with friends or anywhere in your world that triggers a reaction based upon the trauma you were trying to protect yourself from all this time.


When trauma happens to us, we create protection mechanisms within ourselves and create reactive patterns of behaviour that come up whenever we fear that the same thing (or something similar) is going to happen to us again.  If you are actively looking at what events trigger certain responses from you, you may be able to connect certain events to certain reactions and start dealing with the feelings and emotions that are behind the reaction and what initial event caused you to react that way in the first place.  If you can do that, then you are on the path to start healing.


I had a trigger earlier this week at the part - time job that I have outside of my holistic practice.  I have been very open and sensitive as I have been working through a lot of very old feelings from my childhood trauma.  My trigger was this: A co-worker had written a note in our communication book that appeared to be very threatening and very aggressive towards me.  At first I was able to set aside the initial defensiveness I felt but it did slowly creep into my day.  I was really upset about the written words that were in front of me. 


I text my manager and asked to speak with her.  I told her I couldn't work in an environment where I wasn't trusted (based on another employee's shit - as i saw it and speaking from my past wound) and I really needed to talk to her about this.  She immediately replied to me that we could meet right away the next day.  I felt better just for that.


In my therapy session I was talking about this event and my therapist was poking around at it, when I realized what those notes had triggered for me that had upset me so much.  I felt like a coworker was trying to throw me "under the bus" which triggered a feeling of not being trusted which is a theme that has been in my life, over and over, since I was a young child.  I would blame my mother but I know that it was probably a pattern she grew up with herself.  (insert laughter here) Bingo! That was it.  Luckily it didn't take me long to realize this.  There is much more to this but I am trying to keep it simple so that the example works. 


Three years ago when I was reacting to corporate changeover and hell feeling lost, alone and unsupported (all feelings from my past) and when I actually was thrown under the proverbial bus by my fellow employees (I let this happen) I would have curled up on my couch for a week or two and cried because of the intensity of the emotions I was experiencing was too much for me to bare.  I am ecstatic that it only took me less than 48 hours to tune into my reaction and that I am fortunate enough to have a work environment and a manager that I can openly talk to and who does not let a bullying environment develop within the workplace.  Notes like the one I read IS one example of how bullying can start when not addressed... but I digress.


They key for me was understanding what the wording and tone was triggering for me that was coming from the past (false accusations and mistrust) and then actually talking to someone about it.  I was reassured that I was not misreading what I had read and I also discussed different ways I could handle it in the future and in the moment.  I discussed this with my manager first and then with my therapist. I felt so good about the progress I have made in the last three years.  


This is the perfect example of what a trigger is.  As survivors of abuse and other traumas if we don't know/aren't aware of  what patterns of reactions we have developed over the years to protect our fragile selves we end up living our traumas over and over in many ways on the emotional level.  It really sucks and it is really hard work to get under all of those layers of hurt to start letting go of the underlying feelings we have towards our childhood, our abuser(s), or anything/anyone that caused the trauma in the first place.  This is what I have found on my healing journey and may ring true for others on the healing path.


I wish for anyone else going through this on any level - whether you are suffering through PTSD from trauma, or are reacting to life happenings from past experiences, or are starting to heal through whatever means you choose to help you - the patience and kindness towards yourself to get through this.  It is okay for you to have feelings of anger, hate, abandonment, vulnerability etc. etc. and it is also okay for you to start letting those things go.  Be patient and gentle with yourself and trust whatever process is working for you.  And if one process isn't helping you heal find another process that will.  


Blessings and love,


Tammy



Tammy Talk - A Healing Blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 25th, 2018

The most recent emotion that has come up for me and that I have carried with me since childhood is a feeling of shame.  


This feeling has been a driver in my behaviour on all levels.  I would feel ashamed if my behaviour was not interpreted as appropriate.  I would be ashamed of feeling anger towards others.  I was ashamed that I had been sexually abused because on some level I thought I had caused this to happen.


Shame. (picture Game of Thrones scenario with Cersei Lannister here...lol). A little humour to lighten a dark topic.


Like many other abuse survivors we carry a sense of shame with us throughout our lives until a largely upsetting event that stops us in our tracks makes us stop and realize that we need to do something to stop this pattern of thought.


I was not aware that I carried this feeling around with me until very recently.  I skated around the thought a few times, but on some level I was not ready to look at that feeling face to face and sink my teeth into it, deal with it and start letting it go.  I am now in a place where it is safe for me to deal with this feeling  because I am more able to compartmentalize any feelings of shame or thoughts about what created that feeling  until I have alone time to look at it.  Previous to now, this feeling would be part of every single one of my interactions inside and outside of work on a very subconsious level.  It would be the root of any self - sabatoging behaviour I had.  It was the root of how I really felt about myself. Moreover, and more importantly, it was an ingrained feeling from situations I had stuffed away because they were too painful to deal with.


Here I am now, this morning,, looking at where this feeling came from, detecting the various places it has played a role in different situations and realizing that I do not need to feel this feeling anymore for anything.


This is probably going to be the biggest challenge I have had since I started therapy.  I looked at being sexually abused, at basically raising myself, at self - sabotoging patterns....but the feeling of shame I have carried around for years has become so embedded within me that it is going to take a lot of mindfulness with my feelings to really see when the Shame rears its ugly head to plague me.


On a logical level I know that I have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of.  NOTHING. Despite the fact that this paternalistic society is still trying to take away women's rights and freedoms, I have no reason to feel ashamed of anything I have done or said from childhood until this very moment. 


On an emotional level I need to work it out and let it go.  I need to heal myself so that I can help others recognize and heal themselves as this is what I believe my purpose is through the work I am choosing to do now.


Although this is a painful journey, it is also a very freeing journey.  


Ironically enough, when I was at a Spiritual Expo in London in January to promote my Reiki and Aromatherapy business, a childhood friend of mine  who is a very gifted psychic was also there. She turned to me in the middle of a conversation she was having and said, " There is a white buffalo standing beside you and the message is that your time of pain is coming to an end". I was stunned for a moment but I accepted this message from white buffalo and believe that this is my time to finally heal.  Being part of the seventh generation from my Ojibwa, Huron and Algonquin ancestors, although I am of metis blood and a non-status indian, I knew that this message was of great significance and was given to me to continue my healing journey and follow my path.  About a month ago another one of my friends was giving me an aroma-massage and she also received a message for me from someone wearing a suede outfit with a feathered headdress, telling me in a rather stern voice to follow my path.  When asked by my friend if there was further information to share, she was bluntly told. "No! Tell her to follow her path".  My reaction was, "Okay - I guess I better continue on my path!"


I share my blog not for sympathy or to gain negative attention. I share this blog in hopes that other abuse survivors will see and feel that they are not alone.  Perhaps someone struggling with their own feelings will be given hope that although healing may be a long, continuous process, it is freeing and it is worth it!


One day I hope to run a sexual abuse survivor's group for women.  I want to incorporate ceremony and healing into this group but I mostly want it to be a safe place for women to come and talk about their experiences and their own healing journeys.

Tammy Talk - A Healing Blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 23, 2018

Dealing with long repressed emotions is  - well - emotional. 


For me, I have needed to incorporate ways to ground myself during my healing process and ways to help me clear away some of the feelings that I was releasing.  


After approximately a month I started looking beyond the event that drove me to take stress leave from work. I knew there was much more for me to explore as I had been on a downward spiral for about six months previous to this event.  My therapy sessions were intense and I knew I needed something else to help me clear the emotions that were coming up and the memories that we were exploring.  I had a close friend who was a Reiki Master and asked her if she could see me for Reiki.  


Although I touch on this a bit on my website I cannot begin to explain the profound effect my reiki sessions had on me.     I wouldn't say that Reiki magically took all my pain away.  What I found happening after each Reiki session was that I felt lighter and I had more energy than prior to the session.  I was more grounded.  Reiki really helped me get through some very emotional days.  


I also ensured that I was diffusing aromatherapy blends that were relaxing and that were uplifting.  Some blends I would use to help with sleep as well.  


My holistic therapy choices worked well with my allopathic medical help from my meds and my family doc and with my therapy.  I really do "practice what I preach" when it comes to using the tools I use with my own clients.  


I still use my holistic therapies to help me whenever needed as I get deeper and deeper into my childhood and into long held beliefs and feelings.  I highly recommend combining multiple holistic therapies to help you get through what it is you need to get through when on the healing path.                                     



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July 19th, 2018

One of the things that I have been questioning during the most recent leg of my journey is how am I healing when I keep coming back to the same emotionally charged situation in my mind, to pick at it.  


I have been entertaining this erroneous thought that if I was still bothered by something that has happened in my past that I was somehow not healing or letting it go and that I wasn't moving forward.  It wasn't a thought I had carried around for years....it is something that has come up since my last depressive episode. 


I was talking with my analyst about this today and he pointed something out to me.  Sometimes we revisit the same situation over and over to see things we had not previously seen.  This has definitely been the case for me.  


This erroneous way of thinking has also held an important part in why I buried the painful things from my past: If I dwelt on them too long I would be a hurting mess , vulnerable and a victim.  (erroneous thinking). Somehow I wasn't getting that re-examing past situations to truly see what happened in that situation and what part you played to bring the situation to the painful conclusion it ended with is valuable.  How are we supposed to change anything if we don't clearly see our behaviour, look at where that behaviour is coming from, and acknowledge and let go of said behaviours. 


I am not talking about blaming myself for being sexually abused and looking at what I could change about what I did to make that happen.  What I am talking about is looking at what behaviours I incorporated at a tender young age to survive being sexually abused and what feelings did I bury about being sexually abused. What coping mechanisms did I put into place for any other situations that reminded me of how I felt about being sexually abused....


Does this make sense? It makes sense to me but I am just starting to unpack all that deeply buried emotions and such...and I am now molre forgiving of myself about replaying certain situations in my head to understand them better and with clearer eyes.



Tammy Talk - a healing blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 16th, 2018

One of the things that I think I have had a great deal of trouble with over the years is allowing myself to feel my feelings.  I am not talking about feeling happy or feeling sad...I am talking about the more intricate things that come up like feeling abandoned, feeling misunderstood, feeling confused, feeling betrayed and other more complex feelings.  The other struggle that went side by side with this problem is how to express those feelings in a healthy manner.


Sometime in my childhood I was taught that it wasn't good to feel my feelings and on top of that, sometime during my life it was drilled into my head to always take responsibility for my own actions.  


As a survivor of abuse (not a victim of abuse) the thing about taking responsibility for my own actions turned into feeling responsible for everything that went wrong around me - at work especially -  because I had to make sure that everything remained status quo and no one was upset or feeling any feelings....see the first sentence of the last paragraph.  


Up until a couple of weeks ago during a therapy session I was still denying myself from feeling some feelings and felt guilty for feeling those same feelings. It was like a light bulb finally went off and I realized this was part of one of the patterns I had learned in order to survive in life at a young age, but, was unable to let go of  as I got older.  No one had taught me how to do that.  


When I look back into childhood, I can link this behaviour to two things really: the first is that I was taught that I was not supposed to behave in a manner that was disruptive at home and the second was that I felt responsible for having been sexually abused because you know somehow in my mind I made that happen and was ashamed of what had happened.


I have a right to my feelings. I am able to observe those feelings and analyze what triggered those feelings.  I am allowed to feel betrayed, I am allowed to feel betrayed and feel angry because of how I was treated in my past.  It is okay for me to feel those feelings and then release them.  51 years into my life and I am just getting this.  Thank god I am finally understanding this and finally releasing a lot of old and not so old feelings about events that have taken place in my life. Along with this newer behaviour you can bet that I no longer take responsibility for everything that happens around me.  I just am not that powerful (or narcisistic!).


I also have a right to find a healthy way to express those feelings to the person or people that are involved with the situation that created the feeling in the first place.   Again, 51 years.....


For anyone reading this blog who is travelling down their own healing path, if you happen to recognize this pattern within yourself I hope you find the strength and insight to overcome any pattern that stands in your way of feeling your feelings. It is a very freeing process.


Unti next time....

Tammy Talk - a healing blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 13th,, 2018

A couple of blog posts ago I had dove into talking about the person I used to be in my significant romantic relationships.  I want to now talk about work relationships - the relationships we create between our coworkers and the people we directly support.


I have had both good and bad relationships with people in my previous work environments.  I have been confident at times but I also have been insecure and needy at other times.  The times that I have been insecure, needy and constantly seeking reassurances are the times that my patterns of coping  that I developed in childhood kicked in.  


My last job in a corporation ended with me having a "PTSD - like reaction" after I had taken two weeks off due to depression. I had gone out to enjoy some music a couple of times during my time off.  Now, I was always led to believe that when depressed it was important to do those things that you enjoy.  And I did.  I posted pictures on my facebook without even thinking about  what kind of an impact that would have on me.  When I returned I was told that someone had noticed my pictures on facebook and that they had made "them" aware of it and that "they" didn't believe that I was sick. during my time off.  I was accused of payroll fraud.  I was made to sign an attendance agreement.  I was yelled at.  It was one of the most horrible experiences I have had in my life.  I hadn't reported to them that I struggled with previous bouts of depression during my employment with them "they" said.  All I could think of was that my personal health was discussed with occupational health who had to keep my health information confidential so of course they would not know about my previous bouts of depresion. I had to put every inch of my concentration into just holding myself together during that meeting. 

 

As soon as that happened, I stood up and I told "them" that I was going to the occupational health department and not back to my office.  I proceeded to do this.  I had a panic attack when I walked into that office.  When the nurse finally got me settled down and I told her my circumstances we called my family doctor which was thankfully a couple of minutes away, and I went to my doctor. He told me to take time off.  He adjusted the medication I was already on to a higher dose and eventually added a secondary medication to help. 


There was a lot more behind how I reacted in that moment of challenge: there had been a huge build up of insecurities due to a changing work situation and my perception of that that played a big part in that final reaction.  This whole situation as described above was the starting point of a significant healing journey that I talked about in my first blog piece. I had to see why I reacted the way I had in the work place over the last six months - what triggered my own feelings and reactions within the workplace.  What kinds of relationships did I have in the workplace.  Why did I feel so betrayed by those people I thought were my supporters and my biggest question to this day is...why didnt' anyone sit me down and talk to me about what was going on or what they perceived was going on with me.  No one asked me or pointed anything out to me.  That fact alone took a very long time to process and pick apart to the point where it really no longer mattered why they didn't do what they should have: what mattered was the fact that I didn't know how to stand up for myself or how to function in a chaotic changing environment.  


Having given you all of this information was only to make the point that when you have had traumatic experiences in your past that involved people you thought you could trust and you have not dealt with your feelings about this event or the impact the event had on your life you are bound to repeat behaviours that were once meant to protect yourself against being hurt again.  These coping mechanisms come up in every relationship you have including your coworkers and your friends.  Not dealing with your traumatic events creates unhealthy relationships in ALL areas of your life.   Some people are simply dysfunctional while others turn to substance abuse and some to suicidal ideations or suicide itself.  It is sad.


This event is what it took for me to really start delving into the past and the patterns I created to cope in this world and how they were affecting my life and relationships.  It took that PTSD - like reaction to being wrongly accused of doing something wrong to finally open up my eyes and say to myself - this bullshit has to stop.  I have to change things.  I have to heal from those traumas I had in my past. I cannot allow myself to stay down.


I look forward to sharing a new bog with you soon...


Blessings,


Tammy



Tammy Talk - a healing blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery

Our Latest Blog Entry

July 12, 2018

I just spent a blissful week at a cottage up north of Kingston, Ontario with my husband and his best friend and wife. It was so utterly relaxing. 


I spent the week in a very mindful state, beading, going out on the boat, talking, eating, and just being.  I was completely living for each moment in the moment and it was wonderful,  


I did check my studio email and answered a question or two as well as sharing photo's on facebook, but other than that, I was offline and unplugged as well as zero television.  The weather was beautiful so we spent the majority of the time outside in the fresh air.  


It was a wonderful week! I feel recharged and ready to get back to life's daily business  involving my studio, my clients and my part time gig.


I highly recommend taking time outs like this as needed and if you can! My goal is to ensure I get this time out as needed by organizing my life and business in such a way that makes this possible.


I will continue writing about relationships in my next entry as stated in my last blog. I wanted to take the opportunity to share how important it is to make time in your life to relax and take care of yourself...


Blessings,


Tammy


Tammy Talk - a healing blog

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 5, 2018

Hi everyone,


Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about my past relationships and the person I was in each of those relationships.


When I look back at the relationships that I have had in my life, I can generally see different patterns for each stage of my life - starting with the relationships I had in highschool.  


The one common theme in most of my intimate relationships was that I chose partners who were replica's of the men/women in my life who hurt me in my childhood on one level or another not realizing that this is what I was doing.    I had intimacy issues with both men and women and would end any relationship that was too confrontational.  I was not good with dealing with anger, confrontation, intimacy, nor did I have the skills to know how to work out the common problems that come up in any relationship in a healthy manner.  My trust issues would make me question everything my partner would do. It was horrible.  I would try not to behave this way once I realized what I had done, but I found myself repeating this behaviour for years and years.....the only man that I have not done this with is my current husband.  He knows my past, he knows my worst qualities and my best qualities, he supported me through my depression without question or making me feel like I was a burden in any way or without telling me I was crazy.  I am lucky to have him and I am such a different person with him than I have ever been with anyone else.....FINALLY! 


Once in awhile I here myself thinking negative thoughts or doubting a situation with my husband but I am quite able to recognize that this is just thought patterns from my past and I let them go.  Once in awhile I revert back to the old me, but thankfully, that really is just once in awhile.


We tend to choose our partners based on the experiences we have had in our past to heal some part of ourselves. If we have not healed ourselves from how we interpreted the experiences we had, we are doomed to react from the fear, hurt and pain that we have been carrying around.  Clearly this is not healthy.


I want to expand on relationships more, but will save that for future blogs.


Blessings,


Tammy












Tammy Talk - a healing blog...

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self discovery


July 3, 2018

I have been in therapy - analysis actually - for almost 2 and 1/2 years. I knew I was having issues coping and just living life and I was ready to really look at those things that were standing in my way of progress. At this point in my life I was really self - aware and knew I was stuck repeating some self - destructive patterns that I thought I had overcome but kept coming back to challenge me.


It has been a really intense and eye opening couple of years where I have had to dig in to my past - to some memories I really didn't want to look at but knew I had to - to see why I was choosing certain patterns of behaviour to cope, why I had such a hard time creating and keeping boundaries, and why I continued to put my own needs last.


Anyone who has experienced abuse on any level will recognize the fight to love oneself and to succeed and to even know who we really are because we have developed so many unhealthy coping mechanisms and our true self is akin to the eye of the storm in an F5 tornado. We lose ourselves to please other people to feel loved and appreciated because we don't know how else to cope with life.  We are the caregivers, the people pleasers, the kind of people big corporations love because we don't know how to say no or to tell anyone that we are struggling under the massive amounts of demands that have been put on us because we are good at meeting other peoples work needs.  


This was me.  I was really good at reading and recognizing what other's needed; but, my low self esteem also caused me to think that anything that went wrong had to be because of something I did.  Sound familiar to anyone?


Therapy has allowed me to really see this about myself - and I HATED thinking about myself in this way....vulnerable, needy, crying for attention...it was hard to look at what I had allowed myself to become.  But I did.  I looked and I saw a person I no longer recognized but was the shell of myself that I had become because I didn't know how to be anything else.  


I consider myself lucky to have at least known that I really needed some help to change my patterns and to learn healthier patterns and work on those - which I  have done and am still doing.


It is possible to get past all of the walls one has built around herself over the years to just simply survive.  It is possible to let go of the things that we once let control us.  It is possible to learn how to take care and love ourselves and I hope that in my future blogs I can show you the things that worked for me and pass along any of the tools to you that you feel will work.  But I warn you, it is not an easy road to travel; however, it is well worth it.


Until next time....


Blessings, 


Tammy


Tammy Talk

Random thoughts and musings from my journey of self - discovery

Some thoughts about this journey I am on...

July 2nd, 2018

Mna kizhep (good morning) everyone,


I had a blog on here but I wasn't happy with the direction that it was going. I deleted it and decided that I would start over. In my blog thoughts I hope to share my self - discoveries, my healing journey, and the special moments I have experience on this path.  Perhaps what I go through will help another or encourage someone else to find and follow their own path. 


Let me start by telling you a little bit about my journey thus far.


I have spent the last 33 years of my life, peeling back, examing and letting go of the layers of the walls that I spent most of my childhood and teenage years building up around me in order to sheild myself from the world and from anything or anyone who could hurt me.  Why, you may ask, did I feel the need to build these walls around myself and to develop a general mistrust of pretty much any human being? I grew up with some intergenerational trauma that affected and molded my parents, and that inadvertently made it's way into my life through them.  That is why they call it intergenerational trauma. I was sexually abused by a friend of the family when I was about 8 or 9, and again when I was 14 years old by a so called friend of a friend. These events helped mold me into the insecure person I once was and am finally learning how to let go of 33 years later.


On this 33 year journey I have experienced 3 life-changing bouts of depression. After the 1st and 2nd depression I let go of some surface hurts and wounds but it was the 3rd depression that really shook me to the core of my being. The event that triggered that depression was triggered by feelings of abandonment at my job - a job I had once loved and excelled at...which played right into the abandonment issues I had developed from childhood.  It was this situation that finally allowed me to really unpack all the baggage I had carried with me from childhood.  


I am still on that journey. But I can honestly tell you that I am not the person I was when I left that job a broken woman.  I have shed the hurts, and identified the beginning of the coping mechanisms I developed to get me through life that just weren't healthy to use anymore and got me stuck and depressed more than once.  


I have become my own best friend. I have learned to trust myself and my intuition again.  I have allowed myself to get to know who I am on all levels of my being.  I experience joy and love like I have never experienced it before. I have become a warrior and a healer with a desire to help those who connect with me for in their own healing journeys.  I don't feel that I am above anyone else at all.  How I hope to help others is through my reiki and aromatherapy, and by sharing those common experiences and ways that helped me in a way that will help others.


At this current moment I am debating on hitting the "Publish" button as I have written about the ghosts of my soul for the first time for all to see and not just my few close friends to be aware of.  This is scary and a big risk for me.; but, I hope my words and story will encourage any one of you who has gone through anything similar in any way to find whatever works for you to get you to heal those wounds that control you. 


If you are reading this blog right now, I was able to get past my fears of judgement and publish today's article.


I look forward to sharing more stories about how I became who I am today and hopefully to interact with anyone that my blog has a meaningful effect on.


Blessings,


Tammy







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